Let's get real
As I was sitting here trying to decide what I was going to write for this blog, it hit me...why not just do what I normally do and be real. So I started to write and was so close to the finish line, and then I accidentally must have hit the wrong button and deleted the whole bloody thing! And because I'm computer illiterate, I couldn't recover my work! Silly Shannon! However, lucky for you guys, I always have a lot to say! Ha Ha Ha
So just a quick background about me, so you know I'm on the same team here in terms of the "Big C". I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had a radical hysterectomy mid June of 2018. And all was going well, I could only assume, as best as it could. And just as everyone around me was saying I should be feeling better, I was actually feeling so much pain in my abdomen. Very long story short and fast forward to this present moment as I am writing this, the pain I have is still so strong and the heaviness I have in my low belly, is something I thought I got rid of when they took my insides out! So I'm waiting for a surgery that is supposed to happen early in the new year, that will hopefully help. They are going to release the fixtures on my ovaries, which are so tightly attached to my lateral walls, that there is no room for my ovaries to do their monthly duties, so they are rightfully pissed off!
Now I don't know about you guys, but the love and support that I have received and continue to receive, from near and far, from loved ones is amazing. But I gotta be honest here, they really have no idea what we are truly going through. And we can't blame them, because how could they? Not unless they have physically gone through this nightmare as well. I'm not saying that the closest to us, don't feel our metophorical pain and try their very best to understand this journey, because they too, are on this journey with us. But for me, I don't like to complain. I know that what I am going through is no less and no more than anyone else. I also know, that what I am personally experiencing, is all "mine". It's the one thing that I can "weirdly" control. No I can't take this pain away, I can't make the doctors, treatments, and surgery appointments come any quicker or lesson for that matter. But what I can do, is go along this journey and take from it what will only make me stronger as a person and as a woman.
There is ample amount of abundant information coming your way when you are dealing with any form of cancer. And yet at times you never feel like you know enough. You feel like you are burdening others in the field, with your questionable questions. There is also often, that big feeling of guilt that comes, from what I have learned, in so many different forms. And then there are all the side things, which I don't know about you, but they seem to be the big things for me. I don't mind that I have put on weight, but I do mind that I didn't have a choice in the matter. I mind that even though I may not have been super fit before I got sick, I'm most certainly going to have to work my ass off even harder now that I am sick. And I didn't ask for this, so excuse me if and when I feel like I need to talk about how sore I may be on that day or for that week etc. And even more so, I absolutely will not have someone with a title in front of their name, tell me that what I'm experiencing pain wise is "perhaps" all in my head.
Through this journey I have also been the single support system on a daily basis for my husband, who suffers with depression. When I was at my lowest point during surgery, he also hit his low point. And in my mind, I didn't have a choice. My job as a wife, was to take care of my husband. It was as though, and I say this all the time, that I had to dig deep. I had had this conversation with my husband on the way to the hospital for surgery, and I said to him, hoping these words would stick, "Babe when you see me digging deep, I need you to dig deeper for me". And he just couldn't. So right from the start, from here on out through this disease called cancer,I knew that I had to carry with me, my make believe shovel. And that my recovery, was going to perhaps, be a bit tougher for different reasons.
There is nothing about having cancer ( do you also notice that we don't often say the word "CANCER" ) that has been easy. It effects everyone in our close circle and every decision we make in our lives. And I suspect that going forward with our lives, this will stay with us forever. So, why not make it our bitch?! I'm all about it, what about you???
Sure we can't take this back... this is OUR reality. It sucks. It's not easy and it's most definitely not fabulous and fun, but this also doesn't define who we are. Because we are superwomen, we must be! How else could we have gotten through a cancer diagnosis, with or without treatments and ongoing healthcare, if we were nothing short of amazing?!
You see ladies and gentlemen, we need to take a moment and thank ourselves for all of our hard work, and perseverance. We are such strong creatures in body and mind. And I for one, am so incredibly proud of you all! And myself of course. We could have just rolled over and took the fate that was given to us, but instead we choose to fight. And we choose to fight every single time. To me, there is something so wonderfully special about that.
With the holiday season quickly approaching, I wish for all of you that are reading this, that you have a happy and memorable time with your families and loved ones. That your health allows you the peace and presence you deserve to enjoy every last bit of overabundance.
Please know that you've got this! That you are stronger than even YOU believe, and that you are doing your very best. And your best is enough. Take a break this holiday, smile, laugh, love and just breath. Be present in the moments, that make you who you truly are, not what this disease has forced on you. Shoulders back, chin up, and feel my arms around you giving you the biggest and most obnoxious hug. And know that I for one, am proud of each and every single one of you! You are strong...You are beautiful.
Merry Christmas & Happy and Healthy New Year