I began writing this post in May. I have been trying, for months it seems, to compose a piece that I would be proud of. An honest piece, grammatically correct, maybe containing the odd joke or two. I love words, I love reading; but the more I read, whether it be an article, an essay, a book, the more I realise that I am a reader not a writer. Take the length of that previous sentence as evidence. However today, for some reason, I do not seem to care as much. I have reached a point where mediocre is acceptable. Not a great catchphrase for the kids, but I have found that if I don’t have mediocre, I don’t have anything. So today, I am going to type, and not edit until the end. I am going to admit that a vivid dream is still not reality.
The first anniversary of my terminal status has passed. There were no celebrations. For over a year I’ve been under palliative care. This is not as frightening as it sounds. My hospice nurse calls me once a fortnight. If I have a fresh complaint, she may visit me at home. The Wellington haematology team manage my disease, the Nelson Tasman Hospice team manage my symptoms. In May, a routine hospice call revealed an ulcerous insomniac tearing at her skin, rather than the charming patient they were accustomed to. My symptoms had overcome me. Although death remained distant, I was admitted into the hospice unit for symptom management.
For the last year, I have tiptoed past the hospice inpatient rooms en route to my counselling sessions. I never once asked what the rooms were for. I had always assumed the worst. It turns out that the majority of hospice rooms are for symptom management. They are not the introductory tombs that I had envisioned. I was admitted into one of those daunting white rooms, for monitoring and medication management. My body was infuriating me; I did not even protest my admission. If I was permitted to lie in bed all day, pretending to read, then I was quite happy. Sometimes it is nice not to have any pressures. The room was comfortable, although on the wall at the foot of the bed, a giant clock hung. It seemed to mock me with each second. Tick; “That’s right, while you’re lying in bed, time continues, and you have little time left.” Tock. Unfortunately, I am no Lola. I was forced to accept the taunts of time.
The symptom management wasn’t a great success. I continue to itch, scratch, and bleed, although the itch seems less intense, and the scratch more habitual. I try desperately to break the itch-scratch cycle, but just don’t know how. Hospice introduced me to Pinetarsol and menthol moisturising cream, which I coat myself in each morning. I imagine I smell like a Xmas tree with a cold. The Pinetarsol seems to be beneficial; an itch reduction rather than a cure, but at this stage a reduction is all that I am after. And if anyone dares to ask if I have tried antihistamines, I will wallop them with all my wheezy strength. I have had a chronic itch for 8 months, of course I have tried antihistamines. Don’t worry, I don’t actually wallop them. I give them a biology lecture. You would be surprised at the number of people who seem to know what is best for my health.
Hospice don’t merely manage symptoms. They manage dying. And to provide personalised care, they need to know one’s thoughts on death. A year ago I was handed a few pages to fill out. Questions to get me thinking about what I would want if I were unable to communicate. I thought they would be simple enough, you know, questions about organ donation (donate everything), religious rites (don’t bother), and my preference of burial or cremation (cremation, ashes scattered.) See, I had the answers already. This questionnaire wouldn’t take ten minutes. One year on and I am yet to complete my advanced care plan.
The questions are really difficult. Not only are you forced to imagine an absent future, a future where you are, if lucky, a mere memory; you are forced to imagine a future where you exist as an unconscious mass. Both scenarios induce painful tears, so I tend to avoid these thought experiments. But the questions keep coming. Where would you like to die? Who would you like at your death? Would you prefer to die alone? Would you prefer to be comfortable or lucid? Is length of life or quality of life more important to you? It seems that my answers to these questions are further questions. I mean, when are you officially dead? Is it when your brain stops, or when your heart stops? How long are we talking in terms of length of life? Is it months, or is it days? I have been told that coma patients are able to hear. Would I be content with listening?
And then there is mood. Some days, I’d like to invite the Nelson populace for a bedside visit. Other days, I decree I must be left alone. There are scribbles and arrows and more scribbles as my relationships and philosophies change. These changes seem to happen weekly. I guess I am no good at planning. And besides, it is more important to those around me. It is more important that their wishes are met. Because I will be dead, and nothing will matter anymore to me. But I must add that I do not want a spectacle; no state funeral, or parade, or public holiday; deep down I am a humble being.
Advanced care planning is encouraged for healthy individuals too. In case of future illness, or perhaps an accident. The questions on organ donation, I feel, are vital to discuss. New Zealand does not have an organ donor register. The government were petitioned last year to install one, but they declined to do so. They recommended a culture change, more discussion on the issue, rather than funding. Medical teams continue to rely on a driver license to gauge one’s opinions on organ donation. The donor status is not legally binding, although it may soon become so. The family can still say no if they are uncertain of your wishes. In France, they have an opt out donor register, rather than an opt in. It saves lives.
I think the advance care plan guys are right. I think discussion about death is important. I find I don’t really discuss death, even though it is always at the edge of my mind; a dark haze drifting in from the outer regions, grounding all flights. It is difficult to know who is comfortable talking about it. Death tends to be a conversation killer. Perhaps not everyone needs to picture the exact moment of their demise, but a little discussion on wishes, of your body, of your funeral, can really be helpful. So I ought to complete those forms.
By Liv Stocker