I want to continue this healing

Wow 2016 is here. I see it, I'm in it! I made it to the ripe old age of 33. I know I said I would but I'm not sure I was all that confident to be honest! So much has happened this year already I don't even know quite where to begin. 

Well the most amazing thing occurred for a start, I was nominated and chosen for a scholarship to attend a week long yoga school retreat in raglan. I've not long been home actually, a couple of days, and my god what a week it was. It tested me physically, as even though I'd been going back to the gym and doing yoga at home, was such a giant leap up from what I’d been used to. It was also super challenging mentally. There were tears, revelations, connections made and I think even some healing. I met some incredible ladies who within hours I felt at home with. Adele though, our teacher, I don't think I've ever met anyone like her in my life. In fact I’d like to be her when I grow up! 

In amongst the yoga and meditation there was also desire mapping. Danielle LaPorte wrote a book called The Desire Map; A Guide to Making Goals with Soul. This was what I was looking forward to, time and space to figure out what the hell to do now! Emphasis on the what - and I thought I was going to know, after attending, THE WHAT. To be honest I'm not sure I know, yet. But I became crystal clear on how I’d like to FEEL every day, and that seems like a better place to start. There are some HOW'S in place to generate my “core desired feelings CDF'S “ each day, but much mapping still to be done.  

I even feel the familiar anxiety trying to creep in right now, “you won't find the right words, you can't write about the whole week in one blog so why bother “ and on she goes. Well she's right, I can't do it justice in 500 words! But who said I needed to? Where did that restriction even come? I hadn't realized how tightly wound I was making myself until I felt the coils of stress begin to loosen their stronghold while I was away. I really do mean making myself as well. I was getting into a real state. One revelation really resonated with me (actually one of many) and it is this. Ready to have your mind blown? OK. I have the choice. The choice? What choice! I can choose how I want to feel. I don't have to feel and behave like a victim, a passive sufferer of the fucked up world. Yes some fairly shit things have happened to me. But why do I have to keep adding to the pile? Does it make me feel good thinking that way? No it does not. Does it generate any of my CDF'S? Nope. 

I knew going into the retreat I needed to relax, regain some perspective, and calm down. And I can gratefully say I really did. I haven't explained too much I know, but there's always next time. I will say after brain storming and playing around with words at the workshops, I narrowed my CDF’S down to FIVE: Blissful, bold, beautifully whole, enchantment and lovingly open. Blissful is a major one for me. To feel at ease and calm and happy and content and all of those yummy feeling states. I'm so over the anxious rushing and rule making. Beautifully whole for me encompasses being comfortable in my own skin, a trait Adele just seemed to radiate and I want to generate it for myself, and self esteem. I don't want to feel hatred and disgust at my body and what its done to me, what it looks like and its physical limitations. Because I'm not separate from my body. 

I'm excited about the year ahead. I start counseling again this week too. I want to continue this healing and devote myself to my recovery, mind soul AND body. Truth bomb time: increase your tolerance for bliss. And in the spirit of being bold, I went to my first tango class last night! But more about that later. 

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Go slowly and gently,

Hannah xx