Finishing Treatment: Only The First Step

Tomorrow Hans and I turn 140 days old. Christmas is 11 days away. I know most people at this time of the year start reflecting on things and explain, ‘I can't believe how fast this year has gone!’, but my head is actually spinning with how quickly my 32nd year has gone. It started off promising, just settling into work again, had a great Christmas and new year’s and summer was actually hot and with all that great weather came a great social life. I know I shouldn't think it let alone say it out loud, but I've never pretended to be that person; why did this have to happen to me again? But asking yourself unanswerable questions is a tad pointless. 

My dad just recently had his 71st birthday, and watching him open his presents made me feel so emotional. I mean I nearly missed out on this. It hit me quite unexpectedly hard. Then I completely lost my shit yesterday, after a week of almost obsessive cleaning to get my house guest ready for his birthday BBQ. I haven't had a meltdown like that since my Hickman was removed. Anyone else wind themselves up so tight you have no other option but to snap? Mum later said to me that I've got a long way to go before I can start to relax a bit, and I think she's right. I get so mad at myself when fatigue and exhaustion abruptly assert themselves, and I can't do a thing. Relax and be patient. Relax and be patient. 

Relax and be patient…. Has it sunk in yet? Was I always this uptight? Who am I now that I obsess about cleaning? It makes little sense to me which only seems to widen the isolation gap further- “you, nut case! Go to the left. Everyone else, go to the right.”. Sigh…

So, In the spirit of updating, I'm now the proud owner of a million brand spanking new fluffy grey under developed little strands of hair. I am no longer officially bald, a fact my brain has not caught up with yet. I have to catch myself now mid bald joke! I’m also super anxious about the prospect of losing my half nails! Stubby flesh fingers does not appeal in the slightest. I'm not sleeping well, the effects of which need no explanation. Adding to that, I also have a constant CONSTANT ringing (double word for double the emphasis) or buzzing in my ears. It is driving me insane, and, according to this bone marrow transplant survivor support page I like, it's a common problem post transplant. I can't even remember how or when it started as I think I just ignored it or thought it would go away, or that I’d gotten water in them from swimming. I just can't ignore it anymore, and while I've promised myself to not consult Dr Google and read pleasant things like ear loss, I'm also not sure if I can cope with hearing from the haematology team that it’s “normal “. Or the opposite for that matter. Or that it's permanent, like I was told at my dental check up last week – irreversible gum disease. Not yet anyway. But soon.

I know I should now be inserting the obligatory “it's better than the alternative” speech here, as we so often see when people write of their illnesses or accidents, but I don't feel the need to keep having to reassure people that I'm grateful to be alive anymore, it should be a given by now. It's kind of draining, yet not saying it comes with a whole lot of guilt as I feel as though some need to hear it and I feel bad about myself for not saying it in case not saying it equals not believing it. Round and round it goes, but, I'm going to stop myself there as that's a whole other kettle of fish!

Well that's enough of my ramblings for 2015! I want to thank you all for your support and the fact you take the time to read this is so humbling to me. I wish you all a safe healthy and happy Christmas and new year and may we spare several thoughts to loved ones no longer here, but will be with us forever. See you next year!

Kristin PatersonComment